Weight No More

When I talk to people about my childhood, I always say..I was younger..never when I was little. Truth is, I was NEVER little :)

In the 8th grade I was a 9/10, never had a set of abs or a flat stomach. Then I went to college, fell in love and gained the Freshman 15. Went all the way up to a size 14. It did not bother me though. I never had a problem getting a boyfriend, fitting into my clothes or sitting comfortably in any seat. My mom and dad, were the ones that were always concerned or commenting negatively about my weight. It lowered my self esteem, but I had big boobs and long hair, so the compliments or accolades from men were always consistent.

In high school, because of the low self esteem, any attention or compliment made me uncomfortable. So, since I bought all my school clothes since the 8th grade, I shopped in the boy section in all the stores. The only time I wore dresses and pantyhose were to church and special events. Rockports, Bugle Boy shirts, dockers and my hair in a ponytail was my everyday look. It did not stop me from having boyfriends every three months. Bear was the first guy that I stayed with for longer, but we broke up a lot..never longer than a day though.

It was not until I joined the military that I developed a body issue complex. My mom got diagnosed with MS in 1999 and I dropped out of school to take care of her. I moved to Flint and took three jobs to send money home so she could stay in her house and pay her bills. That situation did not work out though and I ended up homeless, couch surfing for some months. Then I decided to join the military. It was a fast legal way to get a steady flow of money for my mom. I called the Army and the Airforce, both of them told me to lose 40lbs and call them back.

Lose 40lbs? I knew I was thick, I had lost a lot of weight walking back and forth to work, in Flint, before I got a car. But, I did not think I was that overweight. I called the Navy and the recruiter was like we can work with you. SO, I went signed the papers and spent the next two weeks drinking laxatives and running on a treadmill in a garbage bag. I made weight and away I went. I dropped weight in the military, but I was still a size 12. For me, that is when I thought I was my sexiest.

After leaving boot camp, physical exercise was up to us and not mandatory. Those deep dish Chicago pizzas went straight to my stomach and hips. Before I knew it, I had blew back up to the weight I was before I joined the military. From then on, its been diets, Vitamin shots, quick weight loss, Weight watchers, Fasting, shakes, workout programs, barely used gym memberships and personal trainers. It did not help, that gained a significant amount of weight with every child due to complications. With my last child, I went all the way up to 22/24. Before this last weight loss adventure, I was 20lbs away from being 400lbs.

I should be happy that I am holding at a steady 18. But, I can't help but look at pictures where I got all the way down to a 14. I am constantly reminded of my failures when the rolls don't fit in the clothes the way I think they should. Or my ex husbands voice plays in my head saying, "I know you can't fit these panties. I am going to put them on the fridge to motivate you. Every time you go to the fridge you can look at them and they should motivate you." It should not have bothered me, when he met me..I could not fit in the panties. That should have been enough, but it just was the same song I had heard from my mom and dad about how I was getting fat. The military that told me I was fat and if I did not fit into their regs they would put me out.

It did not matter that I can do the exercises. It did not matter that I could still fit into cute clothes. It did not matter that my weight had nothing to do with my personality. I allowed it to define me, I allowed it to shape how I felt/feel about myself. My friends always tell me I am beautiful and the men down here in Texas tell me that they love a big woman. Yet, I am still single and my friends have these cute shapes...that I don't. I have to constantly remind myself, that I am still a work in progress and my weight does not define me.

My personal trainer made a comment to me in our last session. I honestly believe he was trying to make me feel better, it just made me feel worse. He said, " You were not meant to be a big girl, that is the reason why you are having all those health problems with your back and your knees. You not really a big girl now, you just thick..So, you need to lose all that weight and you will be better." Better? LIke, the way I am now is not good enough? Not being good enough is a steady issue for me....if you follow my blogs, you know that already.

My weight and my self esteem has been a constant struggle for me. I am working on getting better with them both, but when things fail or the scale does not move. It is hard to focus on the progress, because I only see the mess. I see the rolls, the stretch marks, the saggy breast and the double chin. When I lost the weight the last time, all I asked God was for him to let me get back into the clothes in my closet and that is exactly what he did. Now, my prayer is to fit into my clothes without a girdle.

I have to remember that I do have valid health issues that, I did not have before I went to the military. I am severely anemic, which drains my energy. I have arthritis in my knees and my back, plus I have a bad disc in my back and little to no cartilage in my knees. Shin splints and there is something going on, that causes it to be hard to breathe when I run I also have heavy inflammation in all my joints which makes my limbs hard to move. I have to remember that it took me years to gain the weight, it will take time to get it off. It will take a lifestyle change that is catered to me and the things that will work for others, might not work for me.

First, I have to learn how to stand in the mirror naked and love every piece of me. I think once I totally and fully start to love every inch of me, it will be easier for me to make improvements.