Writers Block

Write something…

There is so much content coming at me right now, it is hard to wrap my mind around what I want to write about. It causes my mind to be congested and makes it hard to develop a consistent train of thought. I expressed this “writers block” to a friend and she said, just write something.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been writing poetry on different pages to try and get some of these feelings and thoughts out. I wanted to write an entry on how my being raised by a single mother is affecting my attitude towards dating.

I started writing it and remembered a post that I wrote about it.

So, scratch that..

As I sat here racking my brain trying to figure out what I should write about..

I settled on Expectations..

Throughout my life I have been hurt by MANY people. Most of those emotional injuries came from people that I thought loved me or at least cared enough about me not to intentionally hurt me. In most of those cases, I was wrong. As I continue this journey, I realize that it was not that these people were bad people. They were exactly who they were supposed to be. It was my expectations that caused me to susceptible to be disappointed.

Expectations are a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future. An expectation, which is a belief that is centered on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment.

I have said, in previous blog posts, that most of my expectations of how relationships should go, are based on the relationships I saw in 80s television sitcoms. So, you can imagine how that plays out in real life.

It was also my point of reference for gender roles and how families should talk to each other. The disappointment came when my family, friendships and relationships did not turn out like those TV shows.

I expected to have a great relationship with my mother, like Claire Huxtable had with her children. That was not the case, have you ever seen Claire Huxtable take an extension cord to one of her children? There was also no Cliff in my house. The children in the Huxtable house were also allowed to be just that..children. That was not my narrative

I expected to have a happy marriage. I met someone that loved me more than I loved him, who was also one of my closet’s friends. Yet, he cheated, and the marriage ended. It was not like Mya and Darnell. We did not get back together. He moved on in his life. It has been almost 19 years since I stood in front of a Navy chaplain and said I do. Periodically, I am still triggered by emotions that put me right back in the timeline of when everything fell apart.

In the Navy, I did have girlfriends like the show. The problem with that is, when you fall out..it is not solved in the next 30 min episode. You must talk to the person and experience the sometimes-hurtful emotions. Sometimes, the issue is not resolved, and the friendship does not get repaired. There was also no blueprint to the relationships I had with males. I hear all the time that men and women cannot be friends without a sexual component. I have those types of relationships, so when I meet a man who I have a good conversation with..I expect that we can build a friendship by exchanging ideas. That is not what happens though, it always leads to sexual conversations.

I expected to graduate college, marry my college sweetheart and start my dream job. That did not happen. My mom got sick, my college sweetheart married someone else and I still haven’t found my dream job. My best friend and I use to say, God must think we are some pretty strong people because he has taken us through many trials and tribulations, and we are still standing. Sometimes, I want to tell him that I am not really that strong.

In all honesty, I am exhausted and mentally drained.

I expected to be healed from past traumas. The problem with that is I haven’t taken the necessary time to do that. In that last 3years, my dad has died, my relationship came to an end, I changed jobs twice, experienced financial hardships, got hit by a semi, dated people who only wanted to smash, completed an HR certificate, endured a pandemic, my granny died, my church father died, my godmother died and I gained 40lbs.

Once I started living life without expectations.it stopped me from getting hurt as much. My recent hurts are not due to expectations. They are due to me constantly trying to change to fit into an idea that I think people have of me. Also, giving the little bit of trust that I have to people who don’t deserve it. Unfortunately, that is a whole nother blog entry.

Finally, I expected to write a clear and concise blog entry…that didn’t happen. It is just a representation of how scattered my thoughts are currently.